Make me feel

Liking someone I have never really understood. I mean I like people, and I like someone now. Sometimes I worry that I am turning back into my old self, the crazy one I mean. We all have crazy sides to us, but I know I have to worry less about people that I like. I should not let them consume me as much. Maybe it was me who destroyed my last relationship. We both weren't nice to each other. This is something that I feel like I need to get out. Another poison that is draining me so to speak. When I get upset, and I do not feel like I am being valued in a relationship, I lash out and I say mean things. There was a lot of that in my last relationship. He made very little effort and I would lash out, making him feel worse about himself. We were terrible to each other, but I feel like I brought it on. He said very little about how he felt, and I said a lot about how I felt. I would call him terrible, because that is how he made me felt. There would be a lot of times where he would choose Monster Hunter over me. Or if I wanted to hangout with him. I had to suck up how I felt, and watch him and his friend play Steam games all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love video games. He was not the only that played them. Instead of always playing with his friend, I wish I was included. Now all this is in the past. It currently ways on me because I like someone else now. We are taking it slow, which is a very good thing. My fear is that I will turn into that same version of me.

My whole goal is not to smother anyone, but that is what I feel like I do when I get like this. Right now I am just worried. This is not his fault, this is not any one's fault. People need space, and I understand that. Sometimes it is hard when you see someone everyday, and you cannot say what you want to say. This is the case to that. I see him almost everyday, but it is at times where all of this is not important. It still remains important, but not at that remaining time. I am trying to be honest about how I feel, and sometimes it is hard, because I feel judged. With this person though, I feel like I can be honest about all the terrible things that I have done. That I can reveal all of the crazy that is in my head. I need to be honest with someone that I like for once. Here it is. I worry that I am not good enough, that this whole thing is going to end. My second chance is just going to be wasted because lets face it I am bit of a flake. I care about him, and I see that he is down about something. I want to help, but the best thing that I can do right now is give him space. It is ok to not spend all the time in the world with the person that you are interested in. This makes for a better time for both of you. There is less of a chance that you will get tired of each other fast. Not to mention it gives you time to focus on other thing that you enjoy. Don't give up on yourself for someone else. Also don't go trying to fix someone else, and don't look for someone to fix you. The only person that can fix you, is you.

Me right now, I just want everything to be alright. I get that I want this person to feel better from what is ailing him. Another thing that I get is that it may not involve me. Him feeling down is just one part of why I am feeling all twisted up inside. I have no intention on fixing him, but I am worried about smothering him, or him just not being interested in me. These are the fear that I hold. I just needed to get them out whether or not he reads this.

First date- The date

First dates can either be really terrible or they can go really well. Imagine it going really well. You meet him, and he is super tall. He is not Mr. Myagi at all. The man that stands in front of you has a child like grin with long dark hair that has strands of grey. That is alright, because you admire the distinguish look. Despite the bits of silver he looks younger than he actually is. Right away you warn him that you are a talker when you are nervous, and you tell him about your dream. He is not even mad. In fact he laughs a little. The two of you go to dinner, and as you walk up to the restaurant he opens the door for you. Over dinner you have a conversation and you hit it off quite well.
Eventually you go see the movie that you two planned to originally to see. Dinner was a bonus. Anyway, he opens the door for you yet again. This makes you smile. After the movie he takes you back to your car, but instead of leaving and getting into yours, you talk in his for almost two. You don't feel like leaving, but you know you should because you have a 30 minute drive home. The whole way you think about him, and how he makes you feel.
When you get home, you text him telling him that you made it home. After that you begin telling each other how much fun you had. Then you decide to take a chance and tell him that you think he is adorable, and then he compliments you. This is when you know that he likes you. You hope for a second date because the first went so well.