Make me feel

Liking someone I have never really understood. I mean I like people, and I like someone now. Sometimes I worry that I am turning back into my old self, the crazy one I mean. We all have crazy sides to us, but I know I have to worry less about people that I like. I should not let them consume me as much. Maybe it was me who destroyed my last relationship. We both weren't nice to each other. This is something that I feel like I need to get out. Another poison that is draining me so to speak. When I get upset, and I do not feel like I am being valued in a relationship, I lash out and I say mean things. There was a lot of that in my last relationship. He made very little effort and I would lash out, making him feel worse about himself. We were terrible to each other, but I feel like I brought it on. He said very little about how he felt, and I said a lot about how I felt. I would call him terrible, because that is how he made me felt. There would be a lot of times where he would choose Monster Hunter over me. Or if I wanted to hangout with him. I had to suck up how I felt, and watch him and his friend play Steam games all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love video games. He was not the only that played them. Instead of always playing with his friend, I wish I was included. Now all this is in the past. It currently ways on me because I like someone else now. We are taking it slow, which is a very good thing. My fear is that I will turn into that same version of me.

My whole goal is not to smother anyone, but that is what I feel like I do when I get like this. Right now I am just worried. This is not his fault, this is not any one's fault. People need space, and I understand that. Sometimes it is hard when you see someone everyday, and you cannot say what you want to say. This is the case to that. I see him almost everyday, but it is at times where all of this is not important. It still remains important, but not at that remaining time. I am trying to be honest about how I feel, and sometimes it is hard, because I feel judged. With this person though, I feel like I can be honest about all the terrible things that I have done. That I can reveal all of the crazy that is in my head. I need to be honest with someone that I like for once. Here it is. I worry that I am not good enough, that this whole thing is going to end. My second chance is just going to be wasted because lets face it I am bit of a flake. I care about him, and I see that he is down about something. I want to help, but the best thing that I can do right now is give him space. It is ok to not spend all the time in the world with the person that you are interested in. This makes for a better time for both of you. There is less of a chance that you will get tired of each other fast. Not to mention it gives you time to focus on other thing that you enjoy. Don't give up on yourself for someone else. Also don't go trying to fix someone else, and don't look for someone to fix you. The only person that can fix you, is you.

Me right now, I just want everything to be alright. I get that I want this person to feel better from what is ailing him. Another thing that I get is that it may not involve me. Him feeling down is just one part of why I am feeling all twisted up inside. I have no intention on fixing him, but I am worried about smothering him, or him just not being interested in me. These are the fear that I hold. I just needed to get them out whether or not he reads this.

The weight that I carry

Lina Love (Me) at 16 summer of 2010

I started this blog because it was for a class. It started to become a way for me to release stress from myself. I face a lot of demons every day. They are a part of me. Depression is something that has been glued onto me since about the time my father died when I was fourteen. The story is not a happy one. One of the reasons why you should not drink or do hard drugs is because they can kill you. When you have a child, it is messed up to leave them like that. Addiction is a beast that no one should have to deal with, but we do. Dopamine is a main factor to addiction. Anyway moving forward. My father was the parent that I knew cared a lot about me. My mom on the other hand, seems for the most part that she only cared for herself when I was growing up. Now I try to see where she was coming from, but with an adult point of view. To understand the adult point of you view, you have to get the story.

Lina Love (Me) at the age of 17

summer 2011

When I was 14 years old my father died. He died February, 1st, 2015 at 3 AM in the morning. I remembered not crying because someone had to take care of my mother. I feel like I never properly mourned him. After he did I just went through the motions. I was able to cry when I was alone, but I still was not able to comprehend what was happening. Why I felt the way that I did, and that I was guilty for it. The more the world around me became hard, I just looked more inside myself. Creating my own worlds, and living in them. My roleplays were just more than me playing a character they were me. I was that character. The character that was based on myself, but better. After a couple months of "mourning" for my mother, she decided to find someone new, because she could not stand the fact of being alone with her child. I was different, and I always knew that I was. It bothered my mother I could tell. She once told me that people did not like me because of the way I dressed. I was 14 at the time, and I was goth. I often thought to myself "If someone does not like me for what I wear, why do I want to be friends with them?" My father always embraced that part of me. He loved me for what was inside. Moving on, after a couple of months my mom decided to try dating. She did online dating, and that did not work as well. Then by September she met a man that would soon be my step dad. He knew that my dad had was gone. As they got closer I struggled to spend more time with my mom. She never wanted to spend time with me. It never was about my well being. The more I tried to reach out, the more I got shoved a side. I asked for help, and to see a therapist that was not my Guidance Counselor. I felt missed understood, and my concept of love was, and still is a bit skewed. A lot of people see love as this magical thing, and I see it as a weird dependency. An addiction so to speak. For most of my life I have tried to stay away from addiction. Moving forward, for the next 3 years of high school I found a small group of friends that made feel slightly better. I dated a guy on and off because I was never sure how I felt about him, but it was better than being alone. He viewed me the same way. As high school went on I masked the pain more. I covered it up with late night gaming, mixed with Netflix and snacking. That was with my best friend David. He has always been the one person that can make me so angry, but I forgive him the next minute. Our friendship has always been this platonic one. We were two depressed kids that all we wanted to do was forget our problems. As long as there was a computer monitor with the Sims, and a video game or Netflix streaming on the Xbox everything was alright. 

Lina Love (Me) age 18 summer of 2012

I have always thought that my mom had a dependency issue. She cannot be by herself. On top of that she never wanted to talk about the bad. If I did something good she was always putting it on blast. She acted like that proud mother. Her image stayed clean. The thought of her child being broken, she could not handle. Instead of getting me the help I need she would discourage me of getting help. She threatened to send my away, because again that was covering up the problem. She would get mad at me for talking to my Guidance Counselor because according to her I made things up. That she was the one that had to deal with this child that has behavioral issues. I was the problem, and that I should stop lying to this poor woman that needed to help kids that actually needed it. My Guidance Counselor saw that I needed help, but she could not do much. I saw my Guidance Counselor on and off through High School. When I left to go to college was when I decided to get help more so. I was in this relationship with this guy, and I knew that I was not right, that I needed to get help. By the time I started seeing the University Counselor, our relationship was doom. This person and I are good friends now. They are one of the few people that truly understand me. We even had professors that "shipped" us. After the relationship ended was when I knew that I had to get better for myself. After the school year ended I did not get counseling again until the following year. That was when I started to go to a full therapist. That helped a lot. Talking to her was where I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety. At first it made a lot of sense. As therapy went along I felt like this is it, but then soon I realized that there was more than just that. Time went on and I realized that the anger that I hold inside was still inside me. It would still escape whenever it could. Sometimes it would come out at people that I cared about. I tried my best to keep it at bay. That was when I went back to therapy, and I am with my therapist that I have today. I am learning to cope with how I feel, and the anger that I hold. The mood swings that I have. Bi Polar runs in my family, but it is different from that. Anyway I have been thinking about all of this and I just thought that I needed to let it out.

Lina Love (Me) age 19 summer of 2013

Through everything that I have been through. I know the things that I have been through did shape me in away. I sometimes feel angry and wish things could have ended up differently. Maybe my mom could have thought less about herself, and more about her daughter that needed her to be a parent. Instead I help onto everything. I did not know how to be happy. To be happy, you have to find your path. You cannot just shut off the world like that. I hurt a few really great people like that. I shut down and I closed them off. Some of them still talk to me, and to that I am thankful for.

Lina Love (Me) age 20 summer of 2014

Sometimes we let people in our lives that should be out of our lives for good. With therapy I learned that it is natural to cut out people from your life. Sometimes they are poison to your well being and that is when you have to let them go. I also learned that a good support group will go far. Some are lucky to have their families. My friends are my family. I have a bunch of really great group of people that I met online. They made everything a lot less bad. There was a time where I wanted to hurt myself, and I skyped one of them. He was not going to let me off the line until I felt better.

Lina Love (Me) age 21 

Now

Finally, it is one step at a time. You have to make yourself better. At the end of the day, you live with the person that you are. Recently I had a falling out with someone. With support of my friends I realized that I was great. With watching a lot of the Gilmore Girls I also learned that if someone does not want to be with me whether to be friends or more, then that is alright. That is alright because then that means that someone who wants to be with can be with me. Surrounding yourself with people that want to lift you up, and see you raise is one of the best parts. A quote that I often say to myself is "We accept the love we think we deserve." It is from a book. "Perks of Being a Wallflower." To me that quote means, we give ourselves less credit than we should. We all deserve greatness in our lives. Don't take less than you deserve. I still have to tell myself this to this day. I am still on the path of happiness. Some days are harder than others.

Distressed for finals?

Finals got you all stress out? Normally a simple hug or cuddle helps relax us a bit. If that is not an option, then I recommend some music that helps your brain waves a little smoother. Instead of grabbing your pack of cigarettes and chain smoking one at a time at the smoke spot. Just jam out to some great tunes. I suggest some Cher Lloyd. She has a pleasant voice, and he songs are always upbeat.

First date- The date

First dates can either be really terrible or they can go really well. Imagine it going really well. You meet him, and he is super tall. He is not Mr. Myagi at all. The man that stands in front of you has a child like grin with long dark hair that has strands of grey. That is alright, because you admire the distinguish look. Despite the bits of silver he looks younger than he actually is. Right away you warn him that you are a talker when you are nervous, and you tell him about your dream. He is not even mad. In fact he laughs a little. The two of you go to dinner, and as you walk up to the restaurant he opens the door for you. Over dinner you have a conversation and you hit it off quite well.
Eventually you go see the movie that you two planned to originally to see. Dinner was a bonus. Anyway, he opens the door for you yet again. This makes you smile. After the movie he takes you back to your car, but instead of leaving and getting into yours, you talk in his for almost two. You don't feel like leaving, but you know you should because you have a 30 minute drive home. The whole way you think about him, and how he makes you feel.
When you get home, you text him telling him that you made it home. After that you begin telling each other how much fun you had. Then you decide to take a chance and tell him that you think he is adorable, and then he compliments you. This is when you know that he likes you. You hope for a second date because the first went so well.

dating- getting ready for first dates

First dates can be hard on your nerves. As a millennial the way we date is through online most of the time. Sometimes meeting online is great, but meeting in person for the first time can really make you nervous. Sure you have been talking for a couple of weeks, and you two seem like you have a lot in common. The first meeting can always be a little awkward. As a female you try to look super cute, and get ready way too early. Then you decide to change your necklace a dozen times before deciding that you want to keep it. You then put way too much of that perfume that your mom gave you, just because it is the only thing that does not smell like cheap Walmart crap that you got at Christmas. Normally you put too much on because you know by the time you get there that it won't be as strong anymore. No worries about smelling like a cheap whore. Before putting on your makeup you realize that your eyebrows almost remind you of your ex's one eyebrow. So at that point you self wax them. They bleed a little bit, but in the end they look nice. Now comes to the makeup. You know that you have freckles, and you hate them. That it where you put too much makeup on in trying to cover them. The most important thing that you remember is to make your eyes pop. Your eyes after all is where you want the person to look at. They are the mirror to your soul. Who doesn't want someone to stare into your soul. Just be sure not to give said person crazy eyes. Now the only thing you have to do is wait to leave, then drive almost an hour. Just remember that dream you had of Mr. Myagi the night before. It is not going to happen. You will be fine, and everything will go alright.

Fursonas

One of my Canadian friends found this video, and I love it so much. Foxes are one of my favorite animals, and I think it would be so cool to own one. My Fursona is a fox, more importantly it is a Kitsune, which is like a nine tail fox. A Fursona is what your animal persona is as a furry. I am not as hard core as some people, but I think it is something that is fun to get into, and to discuss with other people. There are so many types of people with so many types of Fursonas.

Relationships

I have really given this one a thought. When you are in a relationship with someone I think it is a good thing when you have time to be a part from them. It is important to spend time with them, but you also need time for you. Developing how to function without someone is an important part of life, but we tend to lose that part of us when we are in a relationship. What would happen if you break up? Many things can happen. A lot of people go through depression because they do not have that other person. I know I had this happen to me when I was 18 I was dating this guy, and then he wanted to end it. For me that was really hard. It just came out of nowhere and I lost a part of myself for awhile. Being a young adult, your brain is not fully developed so it is important to find a balance with spending time on your own, and being with a partner. Right now I am learning that, and it can be hard, but sometimes for the sake of the relationship and the other person it is a good thing to do. Don't just think of yourself, think of the other person. I know sometimes that is hard for me to do. They need their space as well. Spending a summer a part can be a blessing.

Me, and Earl, and the Dying Girl

This tittle is not grammatically correct, but the trailer looks amazing. The movie is about this girl who has cancer is she is dying. There is this guy that seems to have attachment issues. Not in the way that you would think. He does not seem like he likes to get attached. In the trailer it looks like he gets attached and that is where his trouble begins. The young guy has to watch a person that he cares about slowly die. It is The Fault In Our Stars, but less traumatic. It also seems like a better movie than TFIOS.

The end is coming

The end of the semester is near. I had not thought about it until a friend of mine brought it up. To that I started thinking about how fast this semester has gone by. Where is all this time going? Reaching the end is a good, and a bad thing. You want to do well so you wonder how you are doing, which also gives you even more of a feeling to want to work harder.

The Defranco Wedding!

Phillip Defranco is one of my favorite Youtubers. He starts off his videos with "Here is some newsy time stuff that I a have brought to you today." Defranco runs a company so to speak, that specializes in current events, and anything nerd like. He has several Youtube channels for different topics, and they are all ran by his company. Recently Defranco got married to his long time girlfriend. They had had a son, and got married this year. This is like the royal wedding for me. I have been watching Phillip Defranco for over three years now, and I am just excited to see that everything is working out for him. He's had an interesting life, and it is great seeing one of my favorite Youtubers doing welling with their life.

Illness

After going to the doctors yesterday I realized that Strep Throat is going around. That made me realize how contagious it is. This is my second time having the cursed illness. The first time was when I was very little, and I do not remember it. I feel like I hardly suffer from viruses, and bacterial diseases. My area typically is depression mixed with anxiety. When something like Strep comes along, I am forced to stay in bed, and that is the very thing I do not want to do for many reasons involving my depression.

There is some sort of mini Strep epidemic. I was talking to a few friends of mine, and some of their friends had it not to long ago. While this week people from my DnD group including myself went in, and all got diagnosed with the dreaded white spotted disease. With half the group so far having Strep, I am waiting to see if anyone else gets it. My hope is that no one else gets it, and we can all move on with our lives.

Dear Future Husband.... Sexist???

Recently Meghan Trainor came out with a video for her song "Dear Future Husband" I have been listening to the song for few months. You can guess that I was excited to see that there was there was a music video for this song. Once the music video came out, of course there were people out there calling it sexist. Trainor says in the song "You have a 9-5, well baby so do I. Don't expect me sitting home making apple pie." A lot of sexist comments are about women in the kitchen... Well she put it out there that she was not going to do that. What I get from the song is that Meghan wants to be an equal in a relationship. That a partnership such as marriage is a team.

Reading Journal

Lola has gotten herself in a lot of trouble. She has gotten to the point where she knows that she likes the neighbor. His twin sister did not like that Lola was getting so close to her brother. She did not want to see her brother hurt. Lola did not know what she wanted and Cal could tell that. Cricket has always liked Lola, and he does not let her forget. As time goes on Lola spends even more time with Cricket. Max, the jealous boyfriend lets Lola know how he feels about Cricket. He told her that he did not want her to hangout with Cricket. After Lola figures out Max's true feelings for her, that he is really only into her because of her age, that is when things get heated. She ends up breaking up with Max. When she does, Max tells her how fake she is, when he never let be herself around him in the first place. Lola is numb and depressed afterwords. She does not know what to think. Max had been a part of her life for so long, that she needs to figure out what she wants. She know she wants Cricket, but she wants to be whole for him, so she tells him that. Cricket regains hope again.

Vape Pens- Are they the same as smoking.

First of all I mock the stupidity of people who think that vaping and smoking are the same. They are not the same. Let's go back to science shall we. Let us think about vapor.... Where does it come from... Oh wait it comes from water. Because it comes from water it lingers for less amount of time. That means the smell of vapor goes away as fast as well, while cigarette smoke lingers for a really long time. I mock people who are against it because they are not smart enough to go onto Google for about 30 seconds to look up some information, demonizing everyone that uses vape pens. There are also a good amount of people who do not use the pens with Nicotine. They do it because it is the cool thing right now, and the flavors taste pretty great. Not to mention these pens help people quit smoking. Yes, it is annoying if there is someone that is over doing the pen. One thing that I hate the most is as someone who vapes, I hate hearing people comparing it smoking. People really need to get over the fact that they are allowed inside most places. You telling me that it is the same as smoke, I am going to tell you the same thing that I said at the beginning of the blog, lets look up what vapor, so you don't look like a moron. I am going to continue to think of you as one until you realize how stupid you are being.

Reading Journal, Lola and the Boy Next Door

Lola and the Boy Next Door is a book that I read in high school, and I recently started rereading again. This book shows how the thrills of young teenage girl love can be so naive. Lola see love with her adult boyfriend to be filled with romance, and perfect bliss. The truth is that Max is a front man of a band, who really does not have any potential. He is selfish and self absorbed. Max is obsessed with the Lolita culture, where Lola is just a seventeen year old girl who loves to dress up. There is another love interest in the mix. Kermit Bell is his name. He is the neighbor boy who lives next door. Lola liked him when they were younger, but then something happened. When Lola is not at home with his dog, and her dads or at school, she is working at a movie theater, where her friend who works there has her boyfriend that hangs out from time to time. They tell Lola how bad Max is, and how good Kermit is. Lola thinks she is madly in love with Max, but at this point she does not really know how bad he actually is. Her dads dislike him, and Max even shows discomfort when Lola is not dressing up in wigs and heavy make up. Max likes the thrill of dating a younger girl without having her look like a younger girl.

Reality of grief

I know grief all to well. I have been grieving for the last seven years. My father passed away seven years ago at the beginning of this month. Sometimes I feel like hiding under the covers and never coming out. Other times it is easier to pretend like nothing is happening. Keeping your mind off of it is easier said than done. At the end of the day. I am left with just my thoughts. I have accepted that my father passing is something that I will learn how to cope better with. For me that is what each and every day is about. It is about learning how to cope, and how to cope better.

Guns on campus

I don't want to say that I am anti gun. I don't see gun rights as black and white. Guns on campus is something that would not be in the best interests of everyone. DSU,is a small campus with small tight quarters for dorms. Not to mention there has been accidents of a gun going off in someone's pocket. Accidents happen and they need to be avoided. I don't want to have to think about if someone is carrying a gun or not. I do not agree with the state trying to tell the BOE what they cannot do with their campus. It takes the power away from the school. The BOE may not have the same views of the state, and as long as they are not hurting anyone it should be alright. Not everyone has the same gun stance. Guns are ok, but they are not alright on a campus filled with hormones and stress. I hope people would have better sense.

http://legis.sd.gov/Legislative_Session/Bills/Bill.aspx?Session=2015&Bill=1206

Media is the Message!

Youtube there is more freedom. It gives people a power to get what they know out there. You can watch people with like minded views, and comment. Youtube gives people back their time, and makes a better experiences. There is creative content from someone who is you may have never heard of. Youtube is so much better than cable. We are all one, but in different places.

Objectification

Sometimes I feel like college is a lot like high school. I also have come to realize that high school never ends. Whether it be at work or school. If you work with a bunch of teenagers that is another story. There is such sexist language coming from a lot different groups in the tc. It is not just the freshman. Recently there was someone that I decided that I wanted to get to know better. I was looking for a potential friend. Well, a couple of guys from his major came up and told me of the words that he uses when he is "checking" women out. This guy compares them to a piece of meat none the less. Normally I would not have believed it, but out of the two people that told me, I knew there was one that is a terrible liar. He couldn't lie even he wanted to. Anyway that ended up not bothering me as much as it should have. I just chalked it up to him being a young freshman, who still has a lot to learn. When I am around the same area as him, I often wait for him to slip up so I can correct him. Then again I do not hangout with him too often anymore. I also had another recent moment with a transfer student. He was sitting with some of my friends, and he thought it was a good to rate women. He asked if he could have a "woman's point of view." I straight up told him that I am not straight. I said I admire both genders. This was when he decided that he thought I was more suited as being gay. With my own sexuality, I realize that many people think that is something very personal. I do not see the big deal for me personally. If someone is going to judge me for who I romantically right.... That is not my problem. Anyway he proceeded to judge women... Sexualizing each and every part of their bodies. These women did not have any clue what was going on. Some would be flattered, and other's would not be so flattered. He was saying a lot of demeaning things about their bodies, and he did not see anything wrong with that. It isn't like they came out of their rooms and thought "Who is going to objectify me today?" My only question is... Male or female, why is it ok to objectify anyone?

Genders

I have noticed that people still have this idea that males and females cannot be friends without being thought of as a couple. I have so many guy friends, and it annoys me when people think more of the friendship. First of all if I am in a relationship or in like with someone, that is only of my concern... Maybe even the other person who is involved with it. I am a female that gets a long with males better. I grew up with four brothers. That will happen. It is really narrow minded to think that two people are dating when they have not told you themselves. In away it is gender stereotyping. It is that because there is this assumption that men and women cannot be friends. Like there is a division between the sexes.

Twine

Twine is not just a thin form of rope. It is a site that you can make text based games on.

http://twinery.org/

http://twinery.org/2/#stories/a49e3927-a6ad-327c-b375-8068b171b69e

Text Based Games

Twine is an easy to use site for making text based games. You can even download it, use it on your computer as a program. Another version of the text based game is something called an interactive story. A text based game uses text characters instead of graphic characters. They were widely popular in the 1980's. People who are just starting out in coding normally make these types of games. Twine is easy to use and easily able to get to. There are other sites that allow you to make text based games.

Reading Journal 2

I decided to reread a book that I read a couple of years ago. The tittle is More Than Lust, by L.L McLane. It is about a teenage boy who feels awkward in his own skin. He compares himself to his stepbrother a lot. The step brother is one of those smooth guys that never trips up his words when talking to the ladies. The main character finally finds a girl that is interested in him. He had dated someone once before, but she hurt him by leaving him for his step brother. The main character is different than a lot of people his age. The story feels like it filled with a lot of hidden symbols, and growth. McLane, does a great job at showing that the main character is in fact human. He gets built up, but then when he gets to built up, he is brought back down again. The story seems to work a lot like the way life works. His life goes well with having a girlfriend, but then he loses sight of what is important.

Things I participate in...

-I have a Youtube channel
-I like and comment on Youtube
-Blog by using Tumblr
-I use Twitter
-I often post on facebook
-I have published writings online
-I use google+
-I have other blogs

List

SNES-
Mario
Ranma 1/2
Spider man
Mortal Combat

Windows 98
Diablo
Sim town
Chicken run the game
Sim city
Sim farm
Sim park
Sim tunes
Sim Ant

Gamecube
Sims
Urbs
Harvest moon
Mario Cart

PS2
Inuyasha rpg
final fantasy games
Kingdom Hearts
Sims 2 castaway
Sing Star

Walkman
Ipod
 TV
DVDs
VHS
flip phone
Tamagatchi
Hasbro game

Reading journal

Lately most of my reading has been online through fan fictions and online comics. However, I always keep a book of poems by Robert Frost with me in my bag. Poetry is my favorite form of writing to read. The expressions and emotions that can be put into a poem is one of the most wonderful parts of writing. The poem in the book that I am most in love with is the Road Less Travel By. Many people say that as kind of a way to get away with not reading poetry. I like this poem because everyone says Frost is talking about taking a path in life that only a few might take, but recently I read an article about in an interview that was not what the poem was about at all. The poem was about how no matter what paths we take in our lives our decisions are still random, and there is not a for sure place where we are going to end up. Someone can land themselves in prison not, but still end up having a decent life. The world is not just something that can be predicted. There are many misconceptions of what a work of art may or may not mean. Poems seem to be the most hard to read to some extent. Some of them are straight forward, or we feel that they are straight forward, while others are not. In the end it is up to the creator to decide what they meant when they wrote it, and even then that can change.

Trans inequality

Trans inequality has come to face. Many do not think of Trans rights. There are others who write is off as sexuality. Trans is about gender, and not sexuality. Using gender conversion therapy to make someone "normal" is wrong. A trans teen killed herself because of the lack of support from her family.

Youtube Feminist

One of my strongest interests is equal rights. Laci Green is a Youtuber that is a feminist. She sheds light on subject matter that many don't like to think about. Green personally made me realize that it is not a bad thing to be a feminist, and that it should not be a bad thing to think of myself as one.

Sup?

This is my new blog. Enjoy?