Make me feel

Liking someone I have never really understood. I mean I like people, and I like someone now. Sometimes I worry that I am turning back into my old self, the crazy one I mean. We all have crazy sides to us, but I know I have to worry less about people that I like. I should not let them consume me as much. Maybe it was me who destroyed my last relationship. We both weren't nice to each other. This is something that I feel like I need to get out. Another poison that is draining me so to speak. When I get upset, and I do not feel like I am being valued in a relationship, I lash out and I say mean things. There was a lot of that in my last relationship. He made very little effort and I would lash out, making him feel worse about himself. We were terrible to each other, but I feel like I brought it on. He said very little about how he felt, and I said a lot about how I felt. I would call him terrible, because that is how he made me felt. There would be a lot of times where he would choose Monster Hunter over me. Or if I wanted to hangout with him. I had to suck up how I felt, and watch him and his friend play Steam games all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love video games. He was not the only that played them. Instead of always playing with his friend, I wish I was included. Now all this is in the past. It currently ways on me because I like someone else now. We are taking it slow, which is a very good thing. My fear is that I will turn into that same version of me.

My whole goal is not to smother anyone, but that is what I feel like I do when I get like this. Right now I am just worried. This is not his fault, this is not any one's fault. People need space, and I understand that. Sometimes it is hard when you see someone everyday, and you cannot say what you want to say. This is the case to that. I see him almost everyday, but it is at times where all of this is not important. It still remains important, but not at that remaining time. I am trying to be honest about how I feel, and sometimes it is hard, because I feel judged. With this person though, I feel like I can be honest about all the terrible things that I have done. That I can reveal all of the crazy that is in my head. I need to be honest with someone that I like for once. Here it is. I worry that I am not good enough, that this whole thing is going to end. My second chance is just going to be wasted because lets face it I am bit of a flake. I care about him, and I see that he is down about something. I want to help, but the best thing that I can do right now is give him space. It is ok to not spend all the time in the world with the person that you are interested in. This makes for a better time for both of you. There is less of a chance that you will get tired of each other fast. Not to mention it gives you time to focus on other thing that you enjoy. Don't give up on yourself for someone else. Also don't go trying to fix someone else, and don't look for someone to fix you. The only person that can fix you, is you.

Me right now, I just want everything to be alright. I get that I want this person to feel better from what is ailing him. Another thing that I get is that it may not involve me. Him feeling down is just one part of why I am feeling all twisted up inside. I have no intention on fixing him, but I am worried about smothering him, or him just not being interested in me. These are the fear that I hold. I just needed to get them out whether or not he reads this.

The weight that I carry

Lina Love (Me) at 16 summer of 2010

I started this blog because it was for a class. It started to become a way for me to release stress from myself. I face a lot of demons every day. They are a part of me. Depression is something that has been glued onto me since about the time my father died when I was fourteen. The story is not a happy one. One of the reasons why you should not drink or do hard drugs is because they can kill you. When you have a child, it is messed up to leave them like that. Addiction is a beast that no one should have to deal with, but we do. Dopamine is a main factor to addiction. Anyway moving forward. My father was the parent that I knew cared a lot about me. My mom on the other hand, seems for the most part that she only cared for herself when I was growing up. Now I try to see where she was coming from, but with an adult point of view. To understand the adult point of you view, you have to get the story.

Lina Love (Me) at the age of 17

summer 2011

When I was 14 years old my father died. He died February, 1st, 2015 at 3 AM in the morning. I remembered not crying because someone had to take care of my mother. I feel like I never properly mourned him. After he did I just went through the motions. I was able to cry when I was alone, but I still was not able to comprehend what was happening. Why I felt the way that I did, and that I was guilty for it. The more the world around me became hard, I just looked more inside myself. Creating my own worlds, and living in them. My roleplays were just more than me playing a character they were me. I was that character. The character that was based on myself, but better. After a couple months of "mourning" for my mother, she decided to find someone new, because she could not stand the fact of being alone with her child. I was different, and I always knew that I was. It bothered my mother I could tell. She once told me that people did not like me because of the way I dressed. I was 14 at the time, and I was goth. I often thought to myself "If someone does not like me for what I wear, why do I want to be friends with them?" My father always embraced that part of me. He loved me for what was inside. Moving on, after a couple of months my mom decided to try dating. She did online dating, and that did not work as well. Then by September she met a man that would soon be my step dad. He knew that my dad had was gone. As they got closer I struggled to spend more time with my mom. She never wanted to spend time with me. It never was about my well being. The more I tried to reach out, the more I got shoved a side. I asked for help, and to see a therapist that was not my Guidance Counselor. I felt missed understood, and my concept of love was, and still is a bit skewed. A lot of people see love as this magical thing, and I see it as a weird dependency. An addiction so to speak. For most of my life I have tried to stay away from addiction. Moving forward, for the next 3 years of high school I found a small group of friends that made feel slightly better. I dated a guy on and off because I was never sure how I felt about him, but it was better than being alone. He viewed me the same way. As high school went on I masked the pain more. I covered it up with late night gaming, mixed with Netflix and snacking. That was with my best friend David. He has always been the one person that can make me so angry, but I forgive him the next minute. Our friendship has always been this platonic one. We were two depressed kids that all we wanted to do was forget our problems. As long as there was a computer monitor with the Sims, and a video game or Netflix streaming on the Xbox everything was alright. 

Lina Love (Me) age 18 summer of 2012

I have always thought that my mom had a dependency issue. She cannot be by herself. On top of that she never wanted to talk about the bad. If I did something good she was always putting it on blast. She acted like that proud mother. Her image stayed clean. The thought of her child being broken, she could not handle. Instead of getting me the help I need she would discourage me of getting help. She threatened to send my away, because again that was covering up the problem. She would get mad at me for talking to my Guidance Counselor because according to her I made things up. That she was the one that had to deal with this child that has behavioral issues. I was the problem, and that I should stop lying to this poor woman that needed to help kids that actually needed it. My Guidance Counselor saw that I needed help, but she could not do much. I saw my Guidance Counselor on and off through High School. When I left to go to college was when I decided to get help more so. I was in this relationship with this guy, and I knew that I was not right, that I needed to get help. By the time I started seeing the University Counselor, our relationship was doom. This person and I are good friends now. They are one of the few people that truly understand me. We even had professors that "shipped" us. After the relationship ended was when I knew that I had to get better for myself. After the school year ended I did not get counseling again until the following year. That was when I started to go to a full therapist. That helped a lot. Talking to her was where I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety. At first it made a lot of sense. As therapy went along I felt like this is it, but then soon I realized that there was more than just that. Time went on and I realized that the anger that I hold inside was still inside me. It would still escape whenever it could. Sometimes it would come out at people that I cared about. I tried my best to keep it at bay. That was when I went back to therapy, and I am with my therapist that I have today. I am learning to cope with how I feel, and the anger that I hold. The mood swings that I have. Bi Polar runs in my family, but it is different from that. Anyway I have been thinking about all of this and I just thought that I needed to let it out.

Lina Love (Me) age 19 summer of 2013

Through everything that I have been through. I know the things that I have been through did shape me in away. I sometimes feel angry and wish things could have ended up differently. Maybe my mom could have thought less about herself, and more about her daughter that needed her to be a parent. Instead I help onto everything. I did not know how to be happy. To be happy, you have to find your path. You cannot just shut off the world like that. I hurt a few really great people like that. I shut down and I closed them off. Some of them still talk to me, and to that I am thankful for.

Lina Love (Me) age 20 summer of 2014

Sometimes we let people in our lives that should be out of our lives for good. With therapy I learned that it is natural to cut out people from your life. Sometimes they are poison to your well being and that is when you have to let them go. I also learned that a good support group will go far. Some are lucky to have their families. My friends are my family. I have a bunch of really great group of people that I met online. They made everything a lot less bad. There was a time where I wanted to hurt myself, and I skyped one of them. He was not going to let me off the line until I felt better.

Lina Love (Me) age 21 

Now

Finally, it is one step at a time. You have to make yourself better. At the end of the day, you live with the person that you are. Recently I had a falling out with someone. With support of my friends I realized that I was great. With watching a lot of the Gilmore Girls I also learned that if someone does not want to be with me whether to be friends or more, then that is alright. That is alright because then that means that someone who wants to be with can be with me. Surrounding yourself with people that want to lift you up, and see you raise is one of the best parts. A quote that I often say to myself is "We accept the love we think we deserve." It is from a book. "Perks of Being a Wallflower." To me that quote means, we give ourselves less credit than we should. We all deserve greatness in our lives. Don't take less than you deserve. I still have to tell myself this to this day. I am still on the path of happiness. Some days are harder than others.

Distressed for finals?

Finals got you all stress out? Normally a simple hug or cuddle helps relax us a bit. If that is not an option, then I recommend some music that helps your brain waves a little smoother. Instead of grabbing your pack of cigarettes and chain smoking one at a time at the smoke spot. Just jam out to some great tunes. I suggest some Cher Lloyd. She has a pleasant voice, and he songs are always upbeat.

First date- The date

First dates can either be really terrible or they can go really well. Imagine it going really well. You meet him, and he is super tall. He is not Mr. Myagi at all. The man that stands in front of you has a child like grin with long dark hair that has strands of grey. That is alright, because you admire the distinguish look. Despite the bits of silver he looks younger than he actually is. Right away you warn him that you are a talker when you are nervous, and you tell him about your dream. He is not even mad. In fact he laughs a little. The two of you go to dinner, and as you walk up to the restaurant he opens the door for you. Over dinner you have a conversation and you hit it off quite well.
Eventually you go see the movie that you two planned to originally to see. Dinner was a bonus. Anyway, he opens the door for you yet again. This makes you smile. After the movie he takes you back to your car, but instead of leaving and getting into yours, you talk in his for almost two. You don't feel like leaving, but you know you should because you have a 30 minute drive home. The whole way you think about him, and how he makes you feel.
When you get home, you text him telling him that you made it home. After that you begin telling each other how much fun you had. Then you decide to take a chance and tell him that you think he is adorable, and then he compliments you. This is when you know that he likes you. You hope for a second date because the first went so well.

dating- getting ready for first dates

First dates can be hard on your nerves. As a millennial the way we date is through online most of the time. Sometimes meeting online is great, but meeting in person for the first time can really make you nervous. Sure you have been talking for a couple of weeks, and you two seem like you have a lot in common. The first meeting can always be a little awkward. As a female you try to look super cute, and get ready way too early. Then you decide to change your necklace a dozen times before deciding that you want to keep it. You then put way too much of that perfume that your mom gave you, just because it is the only thing that does not smell like cheap Walmart crap that you got at Christmas. Normally you put too much on because you know by the time you get there that it won't be as strong anymore. No worries about smelling like a cheap whore. Before putting on your makeup you realize that your eyebrows almost remind you of your ex's one eyebrow. So at that point you self wax them. They bleed a little bit, but in the end they look nice. Now comes to the makeup. You know that you have freckles, and you hate them. That it where you put too much makeup on in trying to cover them. The most important thing that you remember is to make your eyes pop. Your eyes after all is where you want the person to look at. They are the mirror to your soul. Who doesn't want someone to stare into your soul. Just be sure not to give said person crazy eyes. Now the only thing you have to do is wait to leave, then drive almost an hour. Just remember that dream you had of Mr. Myagi the night before. It is not going to happen. You will be fine, and everything will go alright.